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No More Mr. Nice Guy!,Useful Links

4/02/ · Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The pdf download No More Mr. Nice Guy read No More Mr. Nice Guy best seller No More Mr. Nice Guy No More Mr. Nice Guy txt No More Mr. Nice Guy pdf No More Mr. Nice Guy ebook No More Mr. Nice Guy csv No More Mr. Nice Guy doc No More Mr. Nice Guy excel reading No More Mr. Nice Guy No More Mr. Nice Guy full book This ebook is available in: After you've bought this ebook, you can choose to download either the PDF version or the ePub, or both. DRM Free The publisher has supplied this book in DRM “No More Mr. Nice Guy is the definitive book for helping men overcome their chronic tendencies to accommodate, acquiesce, and appease their way through life. Dr. Glover knows how to speak 15/10/ · Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Topics Self Help Collection opensource Language English. Self Help. Addeddate Identifier PDF ... read more

Ironically, by doing everything the opposite, he gets a beautiful girlfriend and a job with the Yankees. While doing everything the opposite may not be the answer for breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome, doing some things different is. Over the last several years, I have watched countless men "do something different" by applying the principles contained in this book. These men have transformed themselves from resentful, frustrated, helpless Nice Guys into assertive, empowered, and happy individuals. Just like George on the Seinfeld show, when Nice Guys decide to make a change, interesting things begin to happen.

Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools. Stop seeking the approval of others. Make their needs a priority. Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs. Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached. Face their fears. Develop integrity and honesty. Set boundaries. Build meaningful relationships with men. Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women. Experience and express their feelings. Deal with problems directly. Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship. Find peace with the changing complexities of life. Asking For Help Nice Guys believe they should be able do everything on their own. They have a difficult time asking for help and try to hide any signs of imperfection or weakness. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves reversing this pattern.

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to begin this process with a therapist, therapy group, step group, a religious leader, or close friend. Since Nice Guys tend to seek out the approval of women, I strongly encourage them to begin this process with men. For some Nice Guys, the concept of "safe men" may seem like an oxymoron, but I highly recommend it anyway. I have been leading men's therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys for several years. Some of the most significant aspects of my own recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome even before I knew what it was occurred in the context of step groups and therapy groups. Even though I am sure it is possible to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome without the help of a group, it is the most effective tool I know for facilitating the recovery process.

Breaking Free Activities If you recognize yourself or someone you love in what you have read so far, read on. This book presents a practical and effective guide for breaking free from the negative effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome. This program has worked for countless men and it can work for you or a loved one. To help facilitate this process, I present numerous Breaking Free activities throughout the book. These Breaking Free activities serve to facilitate the paradigm shift that is necessary for recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome. They will not only help recovering Nice Guys understand where their paradigms came from, but will help replace them with more accurate and up-to-date ones. These assignments will also point recovering Nice Guys in a direction that will help them start doing things differently. Breaking Free: Activity 1 Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the internet you can search for step groups or support groups. Caution Before you decide to apply the principles presented in this book, I must first warn you about two things. The first is that the program of recovery presented in No More Mr. is not just a few good ideas to try on for size. It represents a challenge to everything Nice Guys believe about what they must do to be loved, get their needs met, and keep their world calm. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior.

Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering. Second, breaking free from the Nice Guy syndrome will significantly effect your personal relationships. If you are currently in a relationship, I encourage you to ask your partner to read this book along with you. The program of recovery presented in No More Mr. will significantly affect not only you, but also those closest to you. Though your partner may be supportive of you making positive changes, they may also initially frighten him or her. Reading this book together can help facilitate this transition. With these warnings aside, if what you have read so far makes sense, keep reading. The following chapters contain information that can help you break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome and start getting what you want in love and life. Breaking Free Activity 2 Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so?

Why do people try to change who they really are? Chapter The Making Of A Nice Guy I concluded the previous chapter with the question, "Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages from their families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be who they were, just as they were. So how did Nice Guys receive these messages and why did they respond to them in the way that they did?

The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men who believe they have to be "good" in order to be loved. Coping With Abandonment The most impressionable time in an individual's life is from birth to about five years. In these first few years a child's personality is most significantly influenced by his surroundings. It is during this time that his paradigms begin to be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually a child's parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our examination of the origins of the Nice Guy Syndrome. There are two important facts we must understand about children. First, when children come into the world they are totally helpless. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely, judicious manner.

As a result of this dependency, every child's greatest fear is abandonment. To children, abandonment means death. Second, children are ego-centered. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them. These two factors — their fear of abandonment and their ego-centeredness — create a very powerful dynamic for all children. Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. He cries and no one holds him. He is lonely and no one pays attention to him. A parent gets angry at him.

A parent neglects him. A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him. A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs. A parent shames him. A parent hits him. A parent doesn't want him. A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner. Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect family, every child has abandonment experiences. Even though their belief that they are the cause of these painful events is, in fact, an inaccurate interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand the world. Toxic Shame These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief in some young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are.

They conclude that there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their lives to abandon them. They have no way of comprehending that their abandonment experiences are not caused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs. This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological state called toxic shame. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief that one is bad. Survival Mechanisms As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all children develop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1 Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned.

Children find a multitude of creative ways to try to accomplish these three goals. Since their insight, experience, and resources are limited, these survival mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes, seemingly illogical. For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure to attract his parent's attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem illogical for a child to do something that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel as bad as feeling lonely or isolated. Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of many possible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and the internalization of toxic shame.

The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm When I first began exploring my own Nice Guy attitudes and behaviors I had no idea how all the pieces fit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good family and had lived a pretty good life. When I began observing other men with traits similar to my own, I encountered the same general lack of insight into the origins of their own emotional and behavioral patterns. When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect," "great," "Leave It To Beaver," or "All-American" families. Nevertheless, these men learned to hide their flaws and tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at some point in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal. Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different childhood experiences. They are all unique in the way that their Nice Guy scripts are played out in their adult lives.

In spite of these differences, they all developed a core belief in childhood that they were not OK just as they were. As a result of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws. All of these men believed that these life strategies were necessary if they were to have any hope of being loved, getting their needs met, and having a problem-free life. Alan The oldest of three children in a single parent family, Alan prided himself on having never caused his mother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school.

He believed that these things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his family to get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special. Alan's father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was seven. At an early age, Alan made a decision to be degrees different from his father. As a result, he prided himself on being patient, giving, and even-keeled. Alan worked hard to never be angry or demeaning like his father. He was an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did drugs as a teenager. Alan's mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that preached hell-fire and brimstone. He came to believe that he was a "sinner" for having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors.

Though he always worked hard to be a good Christian, he lived with a constant fear that he might make a mistake and suffer everlasting punishment. Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her children. She would listen and wasn't critical. Frequently, she and Alan would commiserate with each other about all the "bad" things his dad did. On more than one occasion, Alan's mother told him that she was trying to raise her sons to be different from their father. She wanted them to grow up to be giving, peaceful, and respectful of women. As an adult, Alan still stays in close touch with his mother and does whatever he can to help make her life easier. Jason Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a "Leave It To Beaver" family.

In reality, both of Jason's parents lived through their children. Though he saw his childhood as "ideal", in actuality, his parents used him and his siblings to meet their own needs. Jason believed his parents were "perfect. He acknowledged that he was sheltered and sexually naive and admitted that he might have been smothered by his parents. Jason's father closely directed the family. Jason reported that his father still tried to control Jason's life. Jason shared a chiropractic practice with his father who ran the business and told Jason what house he should buy, what car to drive, and what church he should attend.

Jason described his mother as a "wonderful, loving woman. With no friends of her own, she turned to her children for companionship and affirmation of her worth. Jason couldn't remember his parents showing much affection to each other. He couldn't picture them having sex, and wondered how they made three kids. Even though they did lots of things with the children, he couldn't remember them ever going out or taking a vacation just by themselves. As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he did was calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a good professional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents. Jose A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated and had a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking a hundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain.

He repressed his anger and tried to never say anything that would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was "recognition. He found it interesting that he seemed to be attracted to incest survivors. He stayed in his present relationship because he was concerned about the financial welfare of his girlfriend. He was afraid she wouldn't make it if he left. Jose openly acknowledged that he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of seven children in a lower class family. At around the age of 14, he took on the role of parenting his younger siblings.

Jose reported that there was tremendous chaos in his family and he saw his job as protecting his brothers and sisters from its effects. Jose saw his father as angry, controlling, and abusive. He was explosive and demeaning to the boys and sexually abusive to the girls. Jose's mother was manic-depressive. She had extreme mood swings and had a difficult time staying on her medication. When she was manic, the house would be spotless, she would talk of entertaining politicians and socialites, and she would begin destructive sexual relationships. When she was depressed, she kept the windows covered, the house became a wreck, and she would threaten to kill herself.

When he was 15, Jose had to break through a locked door and take a loaded gun away from his mother. She had been threatening suicide while all seven kids stood by terrified. Jose saw this as a typical scenario growing up in his home. Jose worked hard all of his life to be different from his family. His family had him on a pedestal and he was the one to whom everyone turned whenever they had a problem. His job as a family member was fixing chaos. His job as a business consultant was fixing chaos. His role in relationships was fixing chaos. Jose's life script required chaos, because without it, he would be out of a job.

Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace. Without them, he was convinced, he would have ended up just like his parents and the rest of siblings. Child Development Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways, internalized a belief that they were not OK just as they were and their survival depended on becoming something different. To help us connect the dots and see how three very different childhood experiences could create three men with very similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child development principles presented earlier in this chapter. From Perfect Little Boys To Nice Guys The principles above can be applied to the childhood experiences of Alan, Jason, Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book.

The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms. Abandonment Like all Nice Guys, Alan, Jason, and Jose were abandoned in various ways: Alan and Jose had an angry or critical parent who communicated that they were not OK just as they were. Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father lashed out at Alan. This implied that he wasn't worth protecting. Alan came to believe that he had to be different from his father to be seen as a good man and be loved by his mother. Alan and Jason were used and objectified by their parents. They were valued for always doing it "right" and never being a problem. This communicated that they were only lovable when they lived up to their parent's expectations. Since Jason believed his parents were "perfect" he always felt flawed and inadequate compared to them.

Neither of Jose's parents provided any guidance, nurturing, or support. This communicated that he was of little or no value to them. Alan and Jason grew up in fundamentalist churches that reinforced a need to be perfect and sinless. Failure to do so meant everlasting punishment. Jose believed he was valuable only if he was different from his crazy family. All three — Alan, Jason, and Jose — believed that someone else's needs were more important than their own — a common occurrence in Nice Guy families. All of these experiences represented a form of abandonment because they communicated to these little boys that they were not OK just as they were. Shame Regardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed, used, smothered, controlled, or objectified, all Nice Guys internalized the same belief — it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to be just who they were.

Some of these messages were communicated overtly by parents who had no concern for the child's welfare. Some were communicated indirectly by caring parents who themselves were too young, overwhelmed, or distracted to provide a nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were communicated by circumstances that were beyond anyone's control. In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that caused these things to happen. Mom gets that look on her face. Dad left and didn't come back.

Mom has to do everything for me. Dad yells at me. I'm not perfect like Mom and Dad. I can't make Mom happy. Mom needs me. I don't make any mistakes. I make good grades. I'm happy. I'm not like my brother. I don't cause anyone any problems. I make Mom and Dad happy. Survival Mechanisms As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate interpretation of these events, all Nice Guys developed survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1 Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences. It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult lives.

Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these men have. Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at their desired location — a smooth, happy life. Even though this life script is often highly ineffective, Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results. Two Kinds Of Nice Guys The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their abandonment experiences and internalized toxic shame are usually manifested in one of two ways. In one form, a Nice Guy exaggerates his belief about his "not OK-ness" and believes he is the worst kind of person. I call this man the "I'm so bad" Nice Guy. The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows and getting whippings as a little boy.

He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager. He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult. He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice. The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t".

This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person. Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be. I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood. Breaking Free Activity 3 It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived flaws and seek approval from others.

I don't believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover every experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script. Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb?

Share this information as well. The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck. Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was not a safe or acceptable thing for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and help you change your Nice Guy script. The Baby Boom Generation And The Sensitive Guy Every child who has ever lived has experienced various forms of abandonment. There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible reactions. The childhood experiences described above are probably not sufficient in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I encounter regularly.

I have no doubt that Nice Guys have always existed. There have always been Marvin Milquetoast and Walter Mitty kinds of guys out there. I'm sure there has never been a shortage of mama's boys and henpecked husbands. I believe many little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented numbers. To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II. The movement of families from rural areas to urban areas. The absence of fathers from the home.

The increase in divorce, single parent homes, and homes headed by women. An educational system dominated by women. Women's liberation and feminism. The Vietnam War. The sexual revolution. These events combined to have a major impact on American boys growing up in this era. These social changes created three profound dynamics that contributed to the wide spread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation. As a result, men became disconnected from other men in general and confused as to what it meant to be male. The job of turning boys into men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women.

The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as "bad" men. The Loss Of Fathers The shift to a manufacturing society and an urban migration in the post-war years took fathers away from their sons in droves. According to the US census, in one-third of all families lived on farms. By , this number had shrunk to one in five. By , 96 percent of all families lived in urban areas. In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields.

This often meant contact with extended family that included grandfathers, uncles, and cousins. This daily contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their fathers. As families migrated from rural areas to cities and suburbs after World War II, the contact between fathers and sons diminished significantly. Dads left home in the morning and went to work. Most sons never got to see what their fathers did, let alone have much time to spend with them.

Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men's addictions to work, TV, alcohol, and sex took them away from their sons. Increases in divorce began to separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of divorce among men tripled from to In , just over five million households were headed by women. By , this figure had almost tripled to over 13 million households. In general, the Nice Guys I have worked with do not report having had a close, bonded relationship with their fathers in childhood. Sometimes this was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being passive. More often than not, Nice Guys describe their fathers in negative terms. They often see them as controlling, rageful, angry, absent, abusive, unavailable, addictive, or philandering. It is not unusual at some point in childhood for Nice Guys to have made a conscious decision to be different from their fathers.

The unavailability of dads during this era often required mothers to take over the job of the fathers. Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately even the most well-meaning mothers are not equipped to teach their sons how to be men by themselves. This hasn't kept them from trying. I believe the significant number of Nice Guys produced in the '40s, '50s, and '60s is the direct result of mothers, not fathers, teaching their sons how to be male. Consequently, many Nice Guys have adopted a female perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood defined by women.

The Female Dominated Educational System The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys being raised by women. Since World War II, boys have entered schools dominated by females. For most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to please women. From kindergarten through sixth grade, I had only one male teacher and six females. This is pretty consistent with national norms. Men account for just one in four teachers nationwide. From daycare to preschool to elementary school, little boys in the post-war era have been surrounded by women. There have been few adult males to help them through this experience. If a little boy was already disconnected from his father and trained to please a woman, the typical school system magnified this conditioning.

The Vietnam War In the '60s, the Vietnam War crystallized the feeling of alienation between many baby boom boys and their fathers. Battle lines were drawn between young men protesting a war started and perpetuated by their fathers. A generation of World War II veterans could not understand the flaunting of responsibility and the social rebellion of their sons. The young men of this generation became the antithesis of their fathers and of an establishment that solved domestic and international problems with guns and bombs. The anti-war movement created a new breed of males focused on love, peace, and avoiding conflict.

Women's Liberation During this same period of time, many women were beginning to work outside of the home, birth control provided new freedom, and women's liberation was in its infancy. Some mothers during the Baby Boom era could foresee a change in gender roles on the horizon. They worked to prepare their sons and daughters for what was to come. Many of these mothers raised their daughters to not need a man. At the same time, they trained their sons to be different from their fathers — peaceful, giving, nurturing, and attentive to a woman's needs. Radical feminism in the '60s and '70s projected an angry generalization about men. Some feminists claimed that men were the cause all of the problems in the world. Others asserted that men were merely an unnecessary nuisance. He should hang out with other guys. He should be masculine. He should be comfortable around other guys. He should believe that other guys are not jerks.

He should have male friends. He should build meaningful relationships with other men, not disassociate with other men. He should not be a loner. Men have strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence and integrity. They can also be aggressive, destructive and brutal. Nice Guys should not repress the fact that they possess these traits. In general, a Nice Guy should accept reality, instead of trying to change what he cannot control. Other things the author advocates: Masturbate without using any fantasy or pornography. Stop trying to please your wife in order to get more sex. Stop hiding things. Figure out what happened during childhood that made you feel not OK. Act like people would still love you even if they saw your imperfections. Act as you would if you were not trying to please other people. Stop trying to be good in order to get validation from others. Do something for yourself. Spend a weekend putting your own needs first. Act like people want to help you get what you need.

Stop entering into covert contracts. Stop caretaking, and start caring giving with no strings attached. Stop trying to do things right, play it safe, fix problems, not rocking the boat, stop being charming and helpful, stop being low maintenance, stop being controlling and manipulating, withholding information, repressing feelings, avoiding problems and difficult situations. Tell people how you feel, but not in a way that is critical of the other person; no one else is to blame for the way you feel. Confront your fears that prevent you from acting with integrity and convince yourself that you can handle it. Hang out with other guys, and stop seeking the approval of women. Stop neglecting your body; take care of yourself. Imitate healthy, masculine guys and visualize being one. Develop a realistic picture of what your father was like; how he failed to act as a male role model. Act as a role model yourself by doing guy stuff with your sons or other boys in your life. Reinforce good behavior from your partner and stop rewarding bad behavior, just like you would with your child.

Realize that you have to meet your own needs; no one was put into this world to meet your needs but you. Do what you want to do. Well, I'm definitely not the archetypal "Nice Guy," but I can see what he's talking about. Good book. I think a book like this shows the limitations of the DSM. I bet this author has helped a lot of people, but obviously being a "Nice Guy" is not on the list of mental disorders. flag 23 likes · Like · see review. View 2 comments. Aug 30, Morgan Blackledge rated it really liked it. It's been about 6 or 7 years since I read this book. So I don't remember much about it other than I liked it and was inspired by the authors story about how it took him like 10 years to write it and his wife had to threaten divorce before he got off his perfectionist ass and finished it. I was kind of shocked to see all of the extremely negative reviews.

So I decided to chuck some stars up there for the author. Four of em to be exact. As it turns out, the book made this guys career fucking explode. He's on the national level now. That's inspirational I don't care who you are! NOTE: I actually like nice people, and I hate Rush Limbaugh. Please don't mistake this for an endorsement of anything that guy's ever done. But I still liked this book so fuck off flag 19 likes · Like · see review. Such a stupid book; I kept face-palming myself over some of the idiotic garbage printed on the pages. Why would anyone take romantic advice from someone who has been married three times?!

In the first chapter we're introduced to Todd, who "prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect" but "they all seem to be attracted to jerks rather than to Nice Guys like him". Treating women with respect is NOT THE PROBLEM. Maybe you're ugly. Maybe you're broke. Maybe Such a stupid book; I kept face-palming myself over some of the idiotic garbage printed on the pages. Maybe you still live with your mother. But I guarantee you it's not because you're honest or respectful. Jesus Christ. Sep 06, Shannon Burton rated it really liked it. No self-help is gospel, but when a phenomenon is NAMED and no longer ambiguous-that's 4 stars. Nice work, Dr Glover.

flag 18 likes · Like · see review. Jan 19, Payam rated it liked it. The book provides a clear diagnosis of the "Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome and reveals you the truth about it: "Mr. Nice Guy" is not nice at all. In fat, "Nice Guy" is a misnomer. The "Nice Guy" utilize manipulation and covert contracts to achieve what he wants, rather than being direct and properly articulating his needs. Nice Guy" is not satisfied and utilizes methods that only backfire on himself. Fortunately, the author provides some solutions. The key methods to stop being a "Nice Guy" are as f The book provides a clear diagnosis of the "Mr. The key methods to stop being a "Nice Guy" are as follows: 1. Articulate your needs clearly. Do not utilize manipulation to achieve what you want. You need a clear communication channel in your relationships. Having boundaries and saying "No" are not poor qualities; instead, they are highly respectable qualities. People are attracted to those who know themselves well and establish clear boundaries.

If someone is a pushover then who is that person really? They have no boundary to construct their identity with. Establish self-justice. They need to understand having needs and fulfilling those needs are not poor qualities. The book receives three stars due to its repetitive nature and emphasis of "Nice Guy" syndrome where it may not apply. It is best to complement this book with negotiation books such as "Getting to Yes" to understand how to fulfill your needs based on sound principles. You do not want to setup faulty boundaries or have unrealistic needs.

You need to focus on your principles and use them to "negotiate". When you learn how to negotiate, learn to identify "Nice Guys", read a couple of other books on self-empowerment, then you are ready for your metamorphosis from the "Nice Guy" to the "Confident Gentlemen"! flag 16 likes · Like · see review. May 09, Hatem Shawkat rated it liked it Shelves: english-light , self-help. No More Nice guy! This book is discuses the idea of being a Very nice person to everyone you treat with and that can make you a goalless person and you will have no ability to say "NO" to anyone and that makes you achieve nothing in your life But I see that can turn a man into a bad one and don No More Nice guy! May 02, Sean Goh rated it liked it.

Nice guys do things for women expecting something in return. Don't delegate your happiness to others. And I forgot the rest. Which is details. tl;dr: Don't be a pussy. flag 14 likes · Like · see review. Dec 13, Victoriano rated it it was amazing Shelves: nonfiction. I'm going to be completely honest and say that I had a slight aversion to the title of this book. The use of the term 'Nice Guy' in common discourse is usually an irritating if not downright dangerous misnomer for self-righteous, one-dimensional men.

These men are usually moralistic and entitled 'victims', waiting for someone to tell them that it's alright to be ineffective and destructive because they've earned it as their personal experience suggests that being accommodating is unrewarding. R I'm going to be completely honest and say that I had a slight aversion to the title of this book. Robert Glover has met these people, too, and even admits to being one before writing this book. He most consistently refers to the topic of 'toxic shame' that brings about an overwhelming urge to be accommodating. What follows is a systematic explanation on the destructive effects of men being ashamed to be genuine about their needs, with very concrete albeit anecdotal examples and relevant action points. If you're very sensitive to gender politics, I have to advise you that this book extrapolates on the societal and parental climate around the Nice Guy phenomenon.

But let's be clear: this book has nothing to do with exerting power over people of either gender; it is all about taking responsibility for every aspect of your own life. In saying that, I got the most insight from this book because I didn't see it as a political statement: I saw it as a compassionate attempt at counselling people from a person who has learned from his own mistakes. And I, for one, am really grateful for the help. flag 13 likes · Like · see review. Apr 25, Gabriel Fernandez rated it did not like it. This book is low in quality content. I gave it the benefit of the doubt at the beginning, but after three chapters I had to stop.

I cannot believe this author is a counselor. He shows very little understanding of evidence-based psychology. Beck, M. flag 11 likes · Like · see review. Jul 09, Suhaib rated it really liked it Shelves: psychology , personal-growth , favorites , reads , nonfiction. This book is the perfect practical follow-up to Robert Bly's Iron John: A Book About Men. This is because Bly explains the initiation journey of men in the poetic story of the Wild Man, which might seem far-fetched and difficult to put into practice at times. Glover here, on the other hand, presents practical steps for modern man to take on this journey and the psychological implications behind the Nice Guy phenomenon. In other words, in Iron John , man may be left wondering sometimes and asking, This book is the perfect practical follow-up to Robert Bly's Iron John: A Book About Men. In other words, in Iron John , man may be left wondering sometimes and asking, What to do? How in the world does stealing the key from under the mother's pillow look like in real life?

In No More Mr. Nice Guy , however, the misty masculine path Bly once paved becomes suddenly clear with Glover's scientific straightforward step-by-step approach. Here's what struck me most after reading: increased self-awareness and self-knowledge. Recommended for guys who can't seem to make it in the world and wonder why because they have always been so Nice! Read: Fake! flag 10 likes · Like · see review. Five years later it still offers up some great insight that grounds me. I've been feeling detached from myself as a man and needed to read this to realign my thinking properly. The core of this book is about letting go of the desire for people to accept you and to just be you without any strings attached to others.

To do things that you want to do and not to do things for the acceptance or attention of others. Great book that I highly recommend to any young man trying to figure out who he is. A little bit repetitive at times though. Helping me become the man I want to be. Mar 02, Jim Bob rated it it was amazing Shelves: self-development. This might be the most important book I've ever read, the amount of insight I gained from reading this can't be expressed in just words. I would recommend every man, even if you don't think you're a nice guy, reads this. You may be surprised at what you uncover.

flag 9 likes · Like · see review. Aug 12, Ben Mordecai rated it did not like it. I'll get straight to the point. This book sucks. I got about pages in and realized I was only halfway through and decided it wasn't worth the time to finish. It's not because it's "controversial" but because it's simply bad. I'm not one to shy away from the controversial and especially not from the manosphere but this just isn't good. I don't consider myself a "Nice Guy" but I know that most men could stand to actively check themselves to see what areas of their life need improvement. Initia I'll get straight to the point. Initially, I wondered if I was the wrong audience for the book and not really the "Nice Guy" he is working with, but then I realized that any of these "Nice Guys" who actually need help aren't going to get it here.

The Tone of the Book The author is a therapist and it shows. Every obnoxious stereotype of therapy is true of this book: vague empty words about "baggage," "surrender," "support," "manipulation," and how "messy" life is, how to "let go," and "be yourself. The author literally describes a time he got in an argument with his wife and HE went to go cry in the bathroom because his feelings got hurt. The Self Promotion The author can't go a chapter without talking about his seminars, almost like they are a specialized Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. I didn't buy the book to learn about your seminars dude. The author himself being twice divorced really begs the question of why he is so qualified to give men advice about relationships. The Case Studies These ranged from disgusting to infuriating. I'm supposed to be sitting around reading about the sex lives of gay men and be rooting for their relationship?

Hard pass. This guy gives at least two examples of men he convinced to get divorces including one who had just had an affair, and he acted like it was a real accomplishment for the man to get the courage to do so. Exhibit A on why one should mistrust family therapists. The Broad Generalizations Every single "Nice Guy" got that way because of his childhood. Every single "Nice Guy" is ultimately concerned with winning approval. I found there were a few of the "Nice Guy" problems that I felt like I've had in previous relationships but almost none of the "Nice Guy" tendencies and behaviors. So, false positive? What's the real problem here? I could go on but this review has gone on long enough. If you're a pansy and you want to become a slightly more selfish pansy, go ahead and buy this book. flag 8 likes · Like · see review. May 13, Srivatsan Sridharan rated it it was amazing. Nice Guy has a fat layer of "this is going to change your life" marketing fluff.

But if you are patient enough to work through it, the book has a lot of substance. Substance that can blow your mind. The reason it blew my mind is that the book is extremely relatable and targeted at folks like me - "the nice guys", who seem to be programmed to please people, who are afraid to make mistakes, and beat themselves up if they do. The author approaches the book like a therapist talking about the psychological underpinnings of "nice guys" some of these are insightful, others are just plain amusing and strategies to overcome common pitfalls again, some of these are insightful, others are just plain amusing.

It's like an older friend, or a relative, telling you - "Look buddy. Don't be a wuss". You don't agree with everything they say - they give you terrible analogies and say controversial things. But you understand that the spirit of what they're trying to convey. So you listen to them, and pick the piece of advice that you think is valuable for you, and ignore the rest. I do think that the book has been somewhat transformational for me - it didn't give me "a concrete thing", but it made me more cognizant about the moments where i I refrain from doing something because I'm afraid of making a mistake, ii There is something that I hate, but I commit to doing it just because I want to please some people, iii Overcommitting and under-delivering, iv Beating myself up for making a mistake etc.

We'll see if this increased self-awareness amounts to anything. Maybe I'll write a book about that some day. Jan 25, Alexandru rated it it was amazing. Helped me view myself for what I was at that moment: a perfect, pure Nice Guy. Found a lot of hurting truths for me along the way, but also found a lot of solutions to help fix that and break free of the Nice Guy Sindrome which posessed me. I am now on my way to getting my needs met, being authentic and getting what I want in love and life. Jan 11, Giedrius Padriezas rated it really liked it Shelves: self-improvement , contemporary , great-ideas , non-fiction , audiobooks. It is for men. Actually for all men who feel that something is not right in their life. This book puts plenty of men to the 'Nice Guys' category and really does not draw a line.

Not an elite book as it is quite one dimensional, but there is bunch of things to like. By putting an emphasis on assertiveness, integrity and following your own desires, it portrays a proper road towards happier and more fulfilling life without resentment and doubt. Will pick up one or few advice and look into myself thro It is for men. Will pick up one or few advice and look into myself through that lense. One particular I liked - set aside a time to travel by yourself into an environment, where you have no particular reason to keep your 'mistake-less' image. Just notice yourself. Will try to do that as the circumstances luckily allow me to do that. flag 6 likes · Like · see review. Mar 19, Jason Wicky Ong rated it it was amazing. This book really resonates with me as I tend to be a pleasing nice guy who avoid conflict. Summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy Page 1 No More Mr. Nice Guy is a self-help book written by Dr.

Robert Glover, a licensed marriage and family therapist. The book was first published in and has been translated into over 25 languages. It is a guide for men to break away from the "Nice Guy Syndrome," which Dr. Glover calls a pattern of people-pleasing, passivity, and avoidance of conflict. The Nice Guy Syndrome is described by Dr. Glover as a type of behavior in which a man puts the needs of others ahead of his own, is passive, and avoids conflict at all costs. These behaviors can lead to a man feeling unfulfilled and resentful and to him not getting what he wants out of life. Glover argues that these behaviors are learned and can be unlearned. In No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Glover outlines a process for men to break away from the Nice Guy Syndrome. He calls this process the "Nice Guy Recovery Program". The program includes learning to set boundaries, being honest, being assertive, taking responsibility for one's own feelings and emotions, and learning to be comfortable with conflict.

Glover emphasizes that the process is not easy and takes time and commitment.

Goodreads helps you keep track of books you want to read. Want to Read saving…. Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Other editions. Enlarge cover. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Nice Guy by Robert A. Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Preview — No More Mr. No More Mr. Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show.

Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resen Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential. Get A Copy. Hardcover , pages. Published January 8th by Running Press Adult first published November 30th More Details Original Title.

Other Editions All Editions. Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about No More Mr. Nice Guy , please sign up. Any feedback on this book? I think it may help me be more assertive and deal with other people better. I am not looking for gaming theory but how to make myself better and have a happier life. Howard Chasser It was a game changer for me. I believe many if not most men would benefit from reading it. It talks about the gender impact of the shift from an agra …more It was a game changer for me. It talks about the gender impact of the shift from an agrarian economy to an industrial one where women have become the predominant role models for both boys and girls leading to many "nice guys" who do not always act so "nice" and a breakdown in male female relationships. One of my top 3! So, I've already gotten what I want in love and sex so how much of this book is about the life part? Also, will it endeavor to turn me into a jerk like Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh, who I think are both tremendous jerks?

I'm a nice guy but I'm no pushover, just a bit introverted. Not looking to become a macho douchebag, just maybe need some direction in life, feeling a bit lost. Marcel Don't bother, he just wants you to attend his "let me make you better" programs. See all 3 questions about No More Mr. Nice Guy…. Lists with This Book. Community Reviews. Showing Average rating 4. Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Start your review of No More Mr. Nice Guy. Jul 12, Amber Lea rated it it was ok Shelves: self-help , non-fiction , books-for-bros. Let's get real: this is a book about men being upset about being treated like women. Like oh, you don't like having to shove down your feelings and constantly cater to the desires of another gender? That's because it sucks, welcome to womanhood. Maybe the solution isn't more fathers to teach "men how to be men," it's to stop treating women like they exist to fulfill the needs and desires of men.

Which yes, is a solution this book works toward but the author doesn't seem to have a whole lot of awa Let's get real: this is a book about men being upset about being treated like women. Which yes, is a solution this book works toward but the author doesn't seem to have a whole lot of awareness of how women are raised and how THAT effects men, and how that leads to women raising boys as if they're women. agreeable, friendly, subservient, etc. This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the s. This seems logical considering the anti-female climate that has permeated our culture since always. Because yes, you should act with honesty and integrity and set clear boundaries and learn to recognize that you can't read minds or predict what people really want.

I appreciate the whole point that "you are a co-creator in your own dysfunctional relationship. And yes! Manage your expectations and eliminate covert contracts. I think probably the most important advice this book gives readers is that you need to put your needs first before anyone else's. Of course, I'd like to point out the real problem here is codependent behavior which is not actually a problem specific to either gender. I'd highly recommend researching that topic if this book appeals to you. Because this book is pretty inline with the idea that "men are from mars and women are from venus" which is complete horseshit.

We are far more alike than we are different. Almost everything he says in this book could be just as useful to women. Men aren't special in their desire to be strong and powerful and all the other things that he attributes to "reclaiming your maleness. And I don't even have a problem with the fact that this book is intended for a male audience. In fact, I think male-only books are important because guys tackle a different set of social problems, but like maybe think a little harder about why things are the way they are, and don't treat women as a foreign other. The people who like them just as they are will hang around. The people who don't, won't. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship. Except he forgot to mention that you should also work on being a better version of yourself because maybe you're kind of awful. Maybe some reservation is warranted until you figure your shit out.

Because I could see a special kind of idiot reading that and being like who I am is an ass-grabber of strangers. It's not just your boundaries that are important. Anyway, I really wanted to give this book three stars because some of the points in here are really important, but I can't. It needs work. flag likes · Like · see review. View all 68 comments. Oct 24, Emma Sea rated it liked it · review of another edition. Apart from not using "Nice Guy" in the title ugh , I wish someone had said to Glover, "You know the part where you compare a man's relationship with his wife to him teaching a dog not to piss on the floor? don't do that. No, seriously. Don't do that. The same is true for humans.

No More Mr. Nice Guy (PDF),Visit PDF download

No More Mr Nice Guy Ebook Download Pdf. You can download all the no more mr nice guy ebook download pdf on a site that stocks books of it kind. About No More Mr Nice Guy Ebook 30/11/ · Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The 15/10/ · Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Topics Self Help Collection opensource Language English. Self Help. Addeddate Identifier PDF No More Mr. Nice Guy! Author(s): Robert Glover Publisher: Running Press Date: February 4, Pages: Format: PDF Language: English ISBN ISBN Download No More Christian Nice Guy Book in PDF, Epub and Kindle A refreshing perspective on being good reveals how being nice doesn't necessarily mean being good and utilizes the pdf download No More Mr. Nice Guy read No More Mr. Nice Guy best seller No More Mr. Nice Guy No More Mr. Nice Guy txt No More Mr. Nice Guy pdf No More Mr. Nice Guy ebook No More Mr. Nice Guy csv No More Mr. Nice Guy doc No More Mr. Nice Guy excel reading No More Mr. Nice Guy No More Mr. Nice Guy full book ... read more

All the while they are only craving to be accepted. This effect is commonplace: people who were promised a raise upon their graduation and were then denied it and feel stuck in their job are told to quit their job and pursue a career where their qualification would ensure better success. Download No More Christian Nice Girl Book in PDF, Epub and Kindle. Finally, they will reach a point where there will be a severe outburst from the nice guy. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone. Five years later it still offers up some great insight that grounds me. He tries to control his problem with prayer and Bible study, although neither of these approaches has done much good.

People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This is because Bly explains the initiation journey of men in the no more mr nice guy ebook download pdf story of the Wild Man, which might seem far-fetched and difficult to put into practice at times. Others asserted that men were merely an unnecessary nuisance. In this way, the 'Nice Guy' is only superficially nice, using his favors and pleasantness as currency for his own selfish ends.